Brain patterns

After I have read stuff that I have written, I have always been hesitant about writing another entry on this blog. As a result I end up explaining why I still keep on writing something in here. I’m not realy sure why I keep on writing in here. For one thing, there are things in my head that are think are beautiful and must be shared. But somehow I felt like I haven’t been successfull to date.

sometimes its strange how the things you thought you want so badly are just now the things that you once wanted. And it also strange when you are becoming aware of it just now. And It also strange the we have said sometimes so much before that it becomes mundane. It’s strange growing up especially when you must be grown up by now. Stange things exite you. not because they’re good or anything beneficial .but because its something new in a brown crumpled world.

Iyong niranas ang maraming matitinding bagyo

ang hagupit ng hangin at ang lamig ng panahon

nalunod sa ulang pumapalupot sa buong katawan

tanging ang pader at ang puno ang iyong kasama

walang imik sa tindi ng araw

nakatali sa isang tabi ngunit walang kibo

nagmamasid nakikinig

binabantayan ang teritoryong angkin

sa iyong pagpanaw ano kaya ang naalala

ang walang hanggang paghuhukay

ang paghabol sa mga taong dumadaan

o ang paghiga sa malabot ng unan ng yong amo

sampung taon ang iyong buhay

sampung taong pang habang buhay

sa iyong pag dating at pag panaw

sinukat mo ang aking oras at panahon

Growing up in the 90’s was an experience my generation could only enjoy. Being 13 listening to smashing pumpkins, counting crows, spin doctors. nirvana, perl jam; waiting for the new eraserheds album; playing yano, rivermaya, teeth cassete tapes over and over again in the cassete player. watching videos on vhs. the 80’s was over so everyone looks cool. BEing 20 seems to be forever and you cant wait. the idea of floating cars by the year 2000 was still possible.

(to be continued…)

rain and coffee

from my window I see

drops of heaven passing by

from the dark cloudy sky

what a lazy day

I wish I could just stay

leave me with my coffee

by the window or by the TV

although there’s work to be done

let me enjoy just this one

the music blends with the weather’s hue

I wish I could spend this morning with you

7:45 pm - i woke up. Im sitting folded inside an aircon bus. I’ve been sleeping my entire ride. I looked outside the window, I’m in Buendia Taft… shit I’ve slept past my bus stop. what the hell is happening to me?

I lied back to collect my thoughts. "It’s inevitable" I said. I’m 23.

step step step
it’s not too far away
slowly we get near
we get near still

keep walking
enjoy the road
aim high
fly

float
glide
but don’t forget
never did the world became heaven

so… wade
crawl
try a little harder
there’s always room for more

then stop
rest
enjoy
it’s all for you

The tittle has just slight connection with the subject of this blog. I thought of it while I was sweating under the cloudy skies of San-Miguel Avenue, Ortigas: the shit you have to go through in life.

Today was the most frustrating day of my life.

I went to some company and passed my resume, for the second time. I really liked this company. I keep on coming back applying eventhough I know it will be really really hard for me to to be employed, if not impossible. I am desperate and optimistic.

I never liked bragging, I don’t get anything from it. But this occasion calls for it. My title ENGINEER is shouting on the top of my resume and the fact that I am a topnotcher is placed in a conspicuous place, you wont miss it. I feel like a ballon, big but full of air. I am very much aware of how I performed in school, and it is not pleasing.

So I entrered the building, for the second time, still hoping. I saw the same woman who got my resume fo the first time. She saw the front page of my resume and told me to sit down for a while. As I walk through the hall way I recalled  the very simmilar experience. I brace my self for a plunge. Not a minute later she came out and talked to me.

my world crumbled when she said, "It’s a requirement that a cadet has no failing grade". It’s an inevitable truth and there’s completely nothing I can do. Frustration defined. I was imagining how I looked like when I faked my smile.

Then one thing I wont forget happened. While she was explaining how important the criteria of "how the applicant perfomed in school" she stopped talking then smiled then handed my resume back. Man. I guess there’s somethings in life that I should be regretting, but I don’t/won’t. I walked around and around waiting for the jeep smoking.

I walked out infuriated. Not to the woman or to the company or to me. I was infuriated because of the realities of the world, it bit me big time.

I applied next to another company, the result was somewhat hillarious and wierd for the people who worked there. I didn’t mind, I saw the worst.

I still applied for 2 companies under the heat of the sun. I walked a long road sweating my collar and bursting the veins of my legs. Again I felt the rigors of the street, but now I’m happy for it. At least it reminded me that i’m still alive.

Be resilient, I kept telling myself. Im afraid when the time will come when I can accept the idea, cause when that happens I know I have given up.

Ohh the shit we have to go through in life. While were on it, why not have it special. I offer you "Dung Frost", the coolest shit in town.

I’m always wary about filipino writers. when I’ve heard of jessica zafra I thought she’s one of those writers who got famous by writing poetic lines and exhausting their broad vocabulary. I could write better, i thought.

my mistake was to avoid her book.

My brother bought a Twisted 7. I think it was a compilation of articles in a magazine (I haven’t read the whole book yet, I’ll tell you why). I picked the book and attempted to know why is jessica zafra in every national book store. I browse at the book and came across an article in tittled "To live and die for rock and roll". I started to read the article and tried to understand what jessica was saying. An thirty minutes later I was finishing a fourth article. WOW. I can’t put the book down. I was mesmerized by the way she write. Then I look at my self as a puny blogger and said ‘i can never be anything like jessica’.

Jessica Zafra knows what she is writing. She’s not bias, although she has her favorites. She talks about almost anything under the sun. She is not afraid to say what she wants to say; i don’t think she ever has to be, the truth of what she’s saying is undeniable. She lays down the words that the topic becomes more interesting. She enjoys what she does, and in turn, shares some fun to us.

The Phillipine music, film, arts and literature has long been defiled by weired human beings hungry for fame and money and other things I cannot fathom. I don’t hate Filipino artist, in fact I search for those few good ones… and also, I fancied that I could be one of them. FIlipinos needs someone like her, no, the world needs someone like her.

… i’m sorry I compared my self to her, and even dreamed to be a writer.